Peeves: Can I Beat You, PlzKThanx?

Alright, well, I grew up in a family with too many kids.  I was the second-born of the herd, so I knew about hand-me-downs and hand-me-ups and hand-me-which-ways, and I got used to the idea of sharing.

But, being in a big family, you also learn a lot about personal space.  For instance, you know to stay the hell out of other people’s, or else you’ll get your arm ripped off.  Or worse.

I never really did get the ‘worse’ option.  I should look into that…

Anyway, for future reference, you should know that the following things make people want to kill you, simply for relying on your “brains” to help you make “decisions.”  If that’s the best you can do, then you should just “kill yourself.”

•  Park BETWEEN the lines, not on them.  I may need to get into my car at some point.
• Keep your damn lips shut when you chew.  CHRIST, I learned about digestion in middle school.  That goes for gum-chewers, too.  I know you’re a cow, but the cudding?  Really…
• If you fidget so loudly I can hear you across the room, take some Ritalin.  You do not have a jackhammer attached to your leg.  That is a foot.  Treat it as such, plzkthnx.
• As much as I love music, I don’t want to feel it in my intestines when your car goes by.  It is a woofer, not a ‘break my fucking eardrums’ machine.  Plus, your music inevitably sucks if you have to blast it.
• If your music sucks, get new music.  Don’t make everybody else suffer with you just because you’re cheap and/or have horrible taste.  A good litmus for this?  If your friends refuse to let you touch their radio under penalty of death, there might be a problem.  Don Imus probably hates you.
• When you walk into a library or Internet cafe, and there’s only one other person there, DO NOT SIT RIGHT ON TOP OF THEM.  Personal space, remember?  I don’t need your mouth-breathing fogging up my screen.  Moron…
• The same goes for all public places; lines at banks, sitting in theaters, viewing art galleries, ordering fast food.  There are ten million square feet of empty space you could be bothering, besides the half-inch surrounding me.
• Keep your religious and moral beliefs to yourself.  I eat things with faces.  I support abortion.  You live in a Green cave and shoot at passing Liberals.  Good for you.  Good for me.

Finally, why is it that women insist on being cute?  I know we’re supposed to like pink and tiny, furry, explosively adorable chinchilla-esque things, but really, does EVERY accessory you carry have to match?  Could we see your REAL face for once, instead of what Clinique and L’Oreal sell at Macy’s?  And on the top of what we see, could you cover your invisible ass and breasts?  We know you’re so busy being thin that you can’t be bothered to shop around for some T&A, but nobody wants to see your anorexic boy-legs.

EAT A CHEEZBRGR.  YOU WILL BECOME MORE HUMAN.  And you’ll feel better.

I wish I did.  Ranting never helps.  >.>

~ by echostarlite on September 7, 2007.